Kirin Cup, Japan
Scotland	5	1	Bulgaria
Boyd(2)
Burke(2)
McFadden
Scotland	0	0	Japan

“Inscrutable”, that’s the wurd ye hear maist often applied tae the Japanese.

It means “hard tae understand”. Ah ken it does because ah looked it up in ma Readers Digest Dictionary.

Huv ye ever wondered why thurs nae such word as “scrutable”? Ah find that hard tae understand maself.

Which, if ye think aboot it, means that “scrutable” is “inscrutable”. Funny that.

Ah’ll tell ye whit else ah find inscrutable.

How Scotland’s fitba team can look like world beaters wan month and grouse beaters the next.

We wur pure sensational against the Bulgars. Wee Burkie wis a revelation oan his debut. He’s like a reincarnation o’ Gordon Strachan, or he would be if Strachan wis deid, which o’ course he isnae, but ye ken whit ah mean.

And Kris Boyd might just be the closest we’ve come tae unearthing a natural goalscorer since Ally McCoist hung up his boots tae park his rapidly expanding arse oan “Question of Sport” and make shite fillums wi Robert Duvall.

Against Japan, the boys showed great character, great discipline and defended superbly well – much tae the annoyance o’ the excitable wee Japanese gadjie sittin next tae us. Afore the game he wis convinced that Scotland wur just there tae roll over and play deid so’s his heroes wid huv a great send-off tae the World Cup, but by the time the final whistle blew he wis that agitated and depressed aboot Japan’s failure tae beat us, ah wis convinced he wis gonnae pull oot wan ay they Summery swords and commit Harry Kewell.

Finishing last in thur ain competition wisnae quite the honourable outcome they hud in mind.

Still, knowin the Japs, thur will probably be a few players hidin underneath the stands that’ll come oot in a couple o’ years time thinkin’ the game’s no over yet.

All in all, encouragin signs fer the future and even a trophy tae show fer thur trouble too. Okay, so the Kirin Cup might no be too much tae shout about but ah’ll tell ye this fer free – thur isnae a snowball’s chance in Hell of another British team bringin’ an international trophy home this summer, so let’s revel in the glory.

Speakin o’ glory, ah see the BBC huvnae exactly covered thumsels in it North o’ the Border wi’ thur choice o’ theme music fer the World Cup. “See the Conquering Hero Comes” wis written by Handel as a tribute tae the Butcher Duke of Cumberland in celebration of his massacre of the Highland Scots at Culloden.

So, that’s nice. Pure guaranteed tae stir a Scotsman’s heart intae cheering oan oor colonial lords and masters in Germany and ah don’t think. Fuxxache.

Why on earth dae they persist in calling it the BBC? They should just be done wi’ it and call it like it is, the EBC. It’s aboot as even-handed and impartial as a John “I doubt I’ll make it past the 2nd minute without mentioning 1966” Motson commentary.

Byraway, a wee word o’ warning fer those o’ ye thinkin aboot visitin the land o’ the rising sun - the fuggin restaurants here in Japan ur bloody awful. Be careful.

Every time ah’ve ordered fish, or sushi as they insist on calling it here, ah’ve hud tae send it back fer bein raw. It’s a fuggin disgrace.

And they dinnae even serve it wi’ chips an brown sauce neither.

Now that really IS inscrutable.

“Ah so.”

At least, ah think that’s whit the waiter mumbled under his breath as he took ma fish away tae be properly cooked.