Paw Broon - It's all doon the hill fae here

See when Berti initially telt me he wiz taking the boys on a mini-tour o' the far east, ah thought he meant a wee jaunt tae places like Forfar and Arbroath and Brechin, like.

Wi' the benefit o' hindsight, it widnae have been such a bad idea. At least they've aw got fitba teams we might have beaten.

But naw, instead he has tae fly the squad halfway aroond the wurld just tae get gubbed by a couple ay numpty international sides, both of whom ah might add, nivver beat Scotland when ah wiz in charge. We nivver played them, mind, but that's no the point.

Still, we gave the stiffs frae the Hong Kong league a right good doin', so all's well that ends well, eh?

Ah phoned Berti in Hong Kong (reversed the charges, mind) after the South Africa game tae congratulate him on his breaking the record for the worst ever start to a Scotland Manager's career, wi four straight defeats on the trot. A magnificent achievement.

"Away and fuck off, Paw, ya gloatin wee shite" he telt us.

It's good tae see he's getting a grip on the language, even if he is making a pig's arse ay the fitba results.

He went on to say, "You must admit, Paw, that mein "Babes" did show in patches that there is hope fer the future, ja?"

"Aye" ah laughed, "hope ye dinnae lose five in a row in future!"

Bastard hung up on me. Nae sense o' humour these Krauts.

Anyway, that's me settlin doon noo tae watch the World Cup. Ah've got the McEwan's carry oot in the fridge and bought ma Sweden shirt an' everything.

Ah'll speak tae ye all again soon. How soon? Well, soon as England are knocked oot at least. So, very, very soon, wi' any luck.