World Cup Qualifier
Italy	2	0	Scotland

Ah spoke tae Walter Smith efter the match. He seemed quietly satisfied wi’ his first game in charge, despite losing.

“Rome wasn’t built in a day”, he says. Ah huv nae idea why he should say that. Ah mean, fer starters, it wis Milan we were in.

But, that aside, talk aboot statin’ the obvious - of course Rome wisnae bloody built in a day. Ah widnae trust an Italian builder tae erect a fuckin’ tent in a day, never mind build a whole city.

Everybody kens whit these Latin types are like wi’ thur siestas and Frascati-breaks and stuff.

And it’s no just the slowness whit concerns me – it’s the shoddy workmanship too. See that big Coliseum thingmy? Ah huv seen pictures o’ it and, unless ah’m mistaken, the place is seriously crumblin’ and fallin’ doon. It’s a bloody disgrace so it is. Ah wid be tempted tae demolish it and start again.

Anyway, movin on frae the confusing start tae the conversation, ah asked Walter aboot the tactics he had used (wi’ some success it must be said) tae try and contain the Italians.

He gave us a wee enigmatic grin and says, “Well, Paw, when in Rome do as the Romans do, eh?”.

The auld duffer really needs tae brush up oan his geography. Ah resisted the temptation tae remind him (again) that we were naewhere near Rome and put his mistake doon tae early-onset senile dementia.

Either that or too much o’ the local Chianti. (See these plastic “Lucozade” bottles that Managers continuously sook from durin’ the games? Dinnae be fooled. In Scotland, it’s Bucky and Benylin that’s in them as often as not.)

Whitever the reasons fer his obvious confusion, it wis obvious that ah wisnae gonnae get any sense oot o’ the man fer this interview, so ah suggested we repair tae one o’ the many Pizzerias in the vicinity fer a wee drap o’ vino and a bite tae eat.

“Wur spoilt fer choice Walter. There’s virtually one on every street corner, so it doesnae really matter which wey we go oot o’ the stadium.”

“All roads lead to Rome, ye might say,” says Walter wi’ a wee chuckle.

The man’s fuckin’ obsessed, ah tell ye.

“Ah wisnae thinkin’ o’ going that far, Walter. There’s plenty o’ places right here.”

“Er…it’s just an expression, Paw”, he says, looking at me all puzzled like.

Aye. And a right fuckin stupid one tae boot. The road we ended up walkin’ doon wis clearly signposted tae Lake Como. Absolutely nae use at all if ye wanted tae get tae Rome. Complete opposite direction.

If it’s expressions ye want, ah’ll gie ye one that actually makes sense.

“When in Milan, dinnae try and remove the wine bottle frae Paw’s table until ye’re entirely sure it’s empty.”

The Italian waiter whit stupidly tried tae dae that should get his arm oot o’ plaster in a month or so.

The mood ah wis in, he’s lucky it wisnae his neck.