International Friendly
France	5	0	Scotland

Jings, whit a skelping!! Ah huvnae seen a thrashing that bad since Maw Broon caught one of the bairns smoking marryjoowanna in the ootside cludgie.

Fer Berti's first game as Fuhrer, this wisnae so much a case of Parisian"Ooh la la" as "Ooyah, Ja?"

Mind, even as a loyal Scotsman, ah couldnae help maself frae smiling a wee bit at the result. Cos, see me? When ah was in charge, ah nivver lost a game by that many goals in ma puff. Ah telt ye's all after ah resigned that it wisnae ma fault that Scotland are shite, and maybe noo ye'll believe me.

Still, as ah said patronisingly tae Berti after the game, as he wiz downing his 18th Pernod and Blackcurrant, we huv tae take positives frae the match and there were certainly plenty of them.

Fer a start, oor team wiz full of young laddies only just starting oot on their unsuccessful Scotland careers, so it wiz a useful learning experience fer the boys. Ah'm sure that many of them will go on to lose regularly for Scotland for years to come, so a right good gubbing in their first match at this level will only stand them in good stead fer the future.

And besides, if ye're gonnae get the piss taken oot of ye in this game, there's nae shame at all in havin' it done by the World Champions. Michty me, are these garcons tasty at footie or whit? Yon Zebedee Zidoon fella's no human, ah'm bloody convinced of it. Ye're just no supposed tae dae the things he does wi' a football. It's beyond the laws o' Physics. If only the Scots had colonised Algeria, then he'd be one of us instead o' being a bloody adopted froggie.

It's no fair. They get their pick of French French, Arab French, African French, Caribbean French and the rest and we get whit? Peely wally Jimmy's frae the Gorbals or pasty Hamish's frae Skye. It's footballing Imperialism, so it bloody is.

Berti is not the kind of man to let a one-off result like this get him down though and before he fell off his bar stool and collapsed into unconciousness on his 24th Pernod he just managed to tell me, with a wry smile, "Ach vell, mine goot freund Paw, I know ve vere, how you say, shredded beef (ah think he meant "mince") tonight but after a beating like zat, at least sings can only get better from here, Ja?"

"Dinnae fucking count on it", ah telt him, pouring maself another.