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January 2002
  December 2001
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

  

Jings, crivvens, help ma boab.

See when they folk at FirstFoot asked me tae dae a wee article on Great Scotch?

Well, ah thought tae maself, here we go, easy money. Whit's it tae be, Balvenie, Lagavulin, Highland Park? And when they telt us it was James Clerk Maxwell, ah was straight oan the phone tae Haddows tae order a bottle.

Turns oot, it wisnae Great Scotch they wanted me tae write aboot, it was Great Scots, and some guy called James Clerk Maxwell. Never heard of him. Mind you a cheered maself up wi the thought that ah had never heard of Preston North End till last year either.

So, ah have been away an done ma homework on yon laddie. Turns oot that he's been deid for the last one hundred and twenty years. So, he's no eligible for Scotland, but he might get a wee game for Preston (Honest Mr. Chairman …. it was just a joke).

The first thing ah learned aboot yer Mr. James Clerk Maxwell (JCM from noo oan in), fair made ma chest swell up wi pride:

See yon Albert Einstein whit did aw thae Theories aboot yer relatives? Turns oot that he thought that JCM was a real genius. Apparently, withoot JCM's work, light travel would never have been possible. Ah could have telt him that travelling light wi yer passport and yer wallet has long been proved entirely possible by the Tartan Army, but that's an academic argument and one for another day.

A was starting tae see parallels here. Einstein thought JCM was a genius. And ah'm thinking …. see him wi his attachment tae JCM, and see me wi mah attachment tae Mattie Elliott …. just what is the difference between me and these brainy guys?

The next thing ah discovers aboot JCM is that he was incredibly nice and good. He wis affy, affy, affy nice tae his wife, his pals, his parents and tae the underprivileged folk that he taught at Cambridge University. Endlessly good and patient. Now, that would have been me too if it hud'nae been for that long streak of unmitigated malcontentment, Mr. D Ferguson, an ex-Barlinnie player.

Well ah was really hittin my stride wi parallels when it dawned oan me. Whit made JCM famous was Theories. Apparently he had put doon in mathematical formulae, theories aboot electromagnetism, or electro-orgasms … electro something anyhow.

Which led me tae some serious thinkin. If ah was tae be remembered in 200 years, ah had better get some theories, and bloody quickly too.

Well, ah have had a long think, and ah have come up with mah ain theories which ah can now exclusively reveal tae the readers of FirstFoot:

For short, a call this the BBT:

"See, you never find a good footballer wi a beard. In mah time, ah can remember Socrates fae Brazil. But he was a Greek philosopher in his spare time. And, also Danny McGrain fae Celtic and Scotland. But, whisper it quietly, ah don't think he was a philosopher."

"So, ah can now reveal in it's full glory, the Broon Beard Theory (BBT):"

Footballer + Beard = Keech

"Aye well, now that's me miraculous again, and immortalised tae boot. Ah'll wish ye'ze all a very good New Year."
 

S