The EUFA decision tae award the 2008 Euro Finals tae the joint bid frae Austria and Switzerland is nothing short ay scandalous.

Ah mean, whit in the name ay the wee man, huv either ay these countries got that Scotland and Ireland dinnae?

Ah'll fuckin tell ye.

Lederhosen, cuckoo clock factories, the Von Trapp family, yodelling competitions, Kurt feckin Waldheim and Hitler's birthplace.

Some fuckin fitba fiesta this is gonnae be.

Thurr no even proper fitba countries. Take the Swiss - thurr best known team, Grasshoppers of Zurich, are a bunch ay insects fer goadssakes.

Ah suspect the Celtic bid failed fer a number ay main reasons, quite apart frae the consistent dithering ay the "to be sure, maybe we'll have a stadium or two, but maybe we won't, we'll just wait and see, well," Irish, which ah'm sure wisnae a factor at all;

•	SFA Chief Executive David Taylor made the final bid presentation tae the UEFA bigwigs dressed in a kilt. They probably thought it widnae be good fer the image ay football tae host the finals in a country full ay cross dressers.
•	As if his peculiar dress sense wisnae enuff tae put them off, he had a bagpiper play him intae the presentation. That wid scare the livin daylights ootay anybody and it's nae wonder they were deaf tae his arguments.
•	Lennart Johannsen, the UEFA Godfather, disnae like haggis and still blames us fer Lena Zavaroni, Neil Reid and the Bay City Rollers.
•	It wis a stitch-up job frae the start. Wherr's the headquarters ay EUFA? Feckin Switzerland. Wherr dae maist members ay the UEFA Executive Committee huv houses? Feckin Switzerland. Whit dae they aw huv? Swiss feckin Bank Accounts in Swiss Banks that dinnae ask any questions, if ye catch ma drift.

Ah'm that pissed off aboot the whole unfairness ay it, ah huv telt Maw Broon tae boycott the purchase ay Swiss Roll, Lindt Chocolate and Schnapps frae the Co-Op fer the foreseeable future and ah wid suggest that all loyal Scots should dae the same.

That'll teach the basturds tae mess aboot wi us.

And, as a further personal protest, ah huv thrown oot ma "Vienna" single by Ultravox.

It's keech anyway and ah've been meanin' tae chuck it fer a while, but that's no the point.