2006 World Cup Qualifying Draw

European Zone, Group 5: Italy, Slovenia, SCOTLAND, Norway, Belarus, Moldova.

There’s just nae let up in the whirlwind world o’ International football, is there?

Nae sooner huv we been turfed oot of the 2004 European Championships at the hands (or should that be feet?) of the Dutch than we know exactly who’ll be knocking us oot of the 2006 World Cup.

It’s good tae know these things well in advance. Gives ye plenty time tae prepare yersels fer the disappointment.

Now, ah dinnae mean tae sound negative here, but ah wid rate oor chances o’ automatic qualification frae this group aboot as likely as me getting’ a shag off Cameron Diaz.

Nae harm in dreamin’ though, eh?

So let’s put pessimistic, or pornographic, thoughts aside and take a closer look at what we’re up against when the group gets underway next September. Using ma vast experience and encyclopaedic knowledge of the International scene, ah huv put together a wee dossier for Berti’s benefit of whit tae expect, and here it is.

ITALY

The great names of Italian football just trip off the tongue. Chianti, Barolo, Frascati, Lambrusco. We willnae get a point oot of the Italians, but by fuck we’ll enjoy it.

SLOVENIA

Ah think ah might actually huv some Slovenian blood in me. Naw, really. Ah must dae. Maw Broon is always referrin tae me as a Slovenly basturd. Home win and an away draw.

NORWAY

Familiar adversaries. So familiar, it breeds contempt. We drew with them last time oot in a friendly, and drew with them last time oot in the World Cup. Games between the two countries tend tae be boring as fuck. Needless tae say therefore, home and away draws.

Bonnie blonde birds, mind, so it’s no all negative.

BELARUS

We played them a while back when ah wis in charge, but tae be honest ah still know more aboot Bela Lugosi than ah dae aboot Belarus. One thing ah dae know is that dirt cheap Voddie is the name o’ the game here. The Tartan Army will love it. Away loss, home win.

MOLDOVA

Ah huv tae admit, ah thought Moll Dover wis a Porno actress, most likely related tae the great Ben Dover. Turns oot it’s a wee country wedged atween Rumania and the Ukraine.

If the players stay off the cheap voddie, we might just nick oor only away win o’ the group against the so-called “minnows”, and a home win seems likely, even for Scotland.

By my reckoning, then, we’ll amass 15 points and finish third behind runners-up Norway and group winners Italy.

Ah hope tae fuck ah’m wrong.

Ye just never can tell fer sure.

Ah mean, there’s hope for Cameron Diaz yet if she plays her cards right.