International Friendly
Scotland	0	2	Austria

See they Austrians? Thurr takin the fuckin piss. First off, in December, they beat Scotland tae win the right tae host Euro 2008. Then, last month, they send us a blind and deaf referee who cheats us out o' a draw in Lithuania. And now, just tae rub salt in the wounds, they come tae Scotland and humiliate us on oor own patch.

Berti phoned us up this week and asked us if ah wid like tae go and stay wi' him in his German holiday home fer a few days. That's awfy nice o' him, ah thought.

There hud tae be a catch though.

"Whit dae ye want, Berti?" ah asked him.

"Ach, not much, Paw, but I thought you might like to help me out with mein cunning plan."

"Whit cunning plan is that, Berti?"

"Vell, Paw" he says, "my house is very close to the Austrian border, ja? Walking distance, in fact. And I am thinking that together ve could go and drink many, many litres of fine German bier in mein friendly local Bierkeller und zen stagger across the frontier, ja?"

"Why wid we want tae dae that Berti?" ah asked, perhaps naively in retrospect.

"So that ve can climb a hill or perhaps even a tall building and then piss on the Austrians, of course! I am thinking it would make a nice change, ja?"

The boy's losin' the plot here, and nae mistake.

Mind you, this match wis a useful exercise, it must be said. The team gained invaluable experience.

See, getting the lads well used tae bein outplayed and beaten by a German speaking team in white shirts at Hampden is the best preparation possible for next month when they do it again for real.

Now that's whit ah call forward thinking.