Friendly International
Scotland	0	2	Ireland

Right, nae messin' aboot, let's get straight doon tae excuses. Number one - The playin' surface wis utter shite. It wis mair like a cabbage patch than a fitba pitch. And that wid certainly explain the presence ay 11 cabbages on the field.

Number two - oor goalie hasnae played a first team game fer months, and it showed. Sully wis that bad, he got replaced at half-time by the actor that plays Peter Barlow in Coronation Street. At least ah think it wis him. If it wisnae, the boy's a dead ringer.

Number three - Berti is still having a wee bit ay trouble communicatin' wi the players. It's obviously a language barrier thing, wi him bein' a German an the players being illiterate, like. See, Berti wis tellin' me after the game that he'd asked the team tae go oot and gie him a "mature" performance, but the players misheard the instruction and thought he said he wanted a "manure" performance.

And a pile of manure, as befitting a bunch of cabbages, was duly delivered.

Outplayed. Outthought. Outfought. Outch.

The determination and passion that so encouragingly made its long-awaited comeback to the Scotland team against Iceland and Canada was once more posted AWOL.

We'd better find it again, and fast. Because without it, quite obviously, Scotland are even worse than Preston, and they are truly shite. I should know.

Still, ah didnae spend aw they years as Scotland Manager wi'oot learning tae look on the bright side. See, ye huv tae try and see the positive aspects as well as the negatives, tae get things intae proper perspective.

And the biggest positive fer me on the night wis the score fae London, England 1 - Australia 3.

Aw roond then, no a bad night at all fer Scottish football.

Fair fuckin dinkum in fact.